Fear is our Default System
Most of us who use tablets or smartphones are familiar with the term default system. Samsung products come preloaded with an Android operating system as its default, while Apple’s default operating system is iOS. Both govern the way we use our devices—dictating its capabilities and limits. Whatever our operating system, you and I get so used to how it works that the idea of switching is practically inconceivable.
As part of our nature, you and I are also “preloaded” with a default operating system that guides both our spiritual life and our central nervous system—that guidance system is fear.
Spiritually speaking, Scripture spells it out: “Since the children are made of flesh and blood, it’s logical that the Savior took on flesh and blood to rescue them by his death. By embracing death, taking it into himself, he destroyed the Devil’s hold on death and freed all who cower through life, scared to death of death” (Hebrews 2:14–15 msg). Until we respond to God’s graceful gift of salvation, fear of death—and the accompanying torment and terror—are our default system for life. It is removed only as our grace-based attachment with God grows and matures throughout our lifetime.
Our nervous system works the same way. You and I enter the world unattached to anyone or anything—physically and psychologically— born of Adam, born into fear. From birth, our brain’s alarm system in the relational center of the brain is on alert. This system works to protect us from danger, and spurs us to fight, flight, or freeze in order to survive. From day one, our brain is committed to keeping us safe. Fear is our nervous system’s default setting, and to learn to operate effectively, our fear and alarm center needs calibration. It must learn that not every new situation is a threat and not every person is scary. In a world full of potentially scary encounters, it needs training to work right—only sounding the alarm for genuine threats.
What helps train this alarm/stress center for life? The answer is simple. In our early years, our brain learns to function appropriately by experiencing strong, consistent grace-based interactions with Mom, Dad, and other primary caregivers. These grace-rich, joy-empowered interactions teach our alarm/stress centers that the world is not always a bad and scary place. The stronger our grace-based attachments grow, the better our alarm center functions. Our nervous system actually learns and practices a new, more peaceful default system for life: grace.
Without such early training to establish a solid grace-based foundation, our body’s stress and alarm systems become malformed and will fail. A fire alarm is a fine thing to have in place in the event of an actual fire, but do you remember when you were in school, and someone pulled the fire alarm or it inexplicably went on the fritz? The wail and whoop of its obnoxious tone was loud and startling and caused an abrupt interruption of all activity. The prank made it impossible to concentrate on anything.
That is what it’s like for our central nervous system when stress sets off its alarm unnecessarily. For some more often than others, something inside “pulls the fire alarm,” and the incessant internal blaring begins. Despite no actual fire, the pressure persists to preoccupy our system— driving reactions of fight, flight, or freeze. Needless to say, it’s hard to form secure attachments and a stable identity when all we can hear is the brain-rattling bawl of such false alarms.
Throughout life, when bad things happen, the first thing our system wants to know is Am I alone in this? The more alone we feel, the louder our internal siren sounds. This is especially true if we have experienced early abuse or neglect in our lives. As my friend Dr. Jim Wilder has been known to say, “We are all looking for someone looking for us.” The presence of such a caring other reminds us in fact that we are not on our own when bad things occur. All will be well.
Only secure, grace-based relational attachment can disarm our alarm center—teaching our system how to stand down and effectively regulate itself. When you and I are young, each time our needs for food, basic needs, and comfort are met, we learn how to do this.
Because fear is the basic foundation of everyone’s brain structure, and since perfect parents and unicorns only exist in our dreams, each of us learns to accommodate it to varying degrees. We all learn to hide our fears and insecurities well enough, apart from God’s grace and other people. High-functioning people—like most of those in leadership—may appear not to act out of fear when in reality they have simply learned how to hide it better than the rest of us.
Fear is no way to lead—or to live! Jesus has a better, relationship-based way that we will continue to explore, here.
Learn how to test for fear in your leadership environment. Pick up a copy of my new book, The Weight of Leadership: How Codependency and Misplaced Mercy Undermine Life and Ministry, releasing this September.