The Four Amazing Rs of Relational, Grace-Based Attachment
Who doesn’t like a story? Part of what makes a plotline interesting—the twists and turns of life—may often expose some pretty major character (or system) flaws. Case and point: most of the families reflected in Scripture, in fairy tales, and in real-life relatives today don’t mirror God’s best garden-born vision. Still, close relationship with grace-filled people is the ideal the Lord holds before us. In his “big idea,” God created our natural family to help powerfully shape our identity and attachment through the Four Amazing Rs of Relational, Grace-Based Attachment (from now on, these will be referred to as the Four Amazing Rs). Our families help each of us learn what it means to accomplish four vital tasks:
• Receive our identity as God’s special and favorite (not perfect) child. When we are infants, the people we interact with most demonstrate to us that we have value. There is something in their faces. In the first two years of life particularly, we receive the message from these people, “I’m somebody important, I matter, I am worthy,” or we don’t.
• Reflect to other people that they are a delight too. Sometime between six and nine months old, babies begin to mirror back what they have received. If a little one’s sense of attachment and identity is rooted in experiences that tell them they are special, worthy, and welcome, they will smile and grin at just about anyone once they’re comfortable. Their adorable little face will amplify joy to almost anyone around. In effect, an internalized sense of their delightfulness has taught them to become a little face of grace in the world.
• Repair the breach that will happen when circumstances, choices, mean people, etc. cause attachments or identity to be shaken. When our family reminds us that we are not alone and that we still have value, you and I will be able to return to a secure sense of self. (Spoiler alert: you and I will need to be reminded more than once.) Generally, repair is learned in our family of origin—the ones with whom we already share a grace-based bond. We must have sufficient real relationship with another to form and repair broken attachment. It is less likely in a large extended family setting. Repair helps fix our ability to see one another with eyes of grace.
• Restore ruptured grace-based attachments to a healthy state. When a conflict occurs, you and I will need to reconnect to our grace-based attachments in order to reconnect with our individual and group identity. The restoration process helps us return to seeing life through eyes of grace and joy—as God does. Both repair and restore are things that happen best in the context of strong grace-based attachment.
Beyond important, the Four Amazing Rs are vital to forming and sustaining a healthy attachment with God and others. For those of us who have relatively healthy family units, their nurture makes it much easier to believe, receive, and share God’s grace later in life. These loving bonds and attachments form face-to-face, over time—to become the context for a healthy identity to grow. God knew it from the start. Close connection with family affords you and me our first opportunity to learn the sparkling truth about ourselves (that we are His special and favorite, remember?). Family-forged attachments are essential to our emotional, physical, mental, and spiritual development.
So, if you came from a well-bonded family of origin, congratulations! What a praiseworthy foundation your parents have laid in your life. Though all of us have “gaps,” you are way ahead thanks to them. If, however, you’re like more than 50 percent of people, the blessing of a stable family base has not been so evenly poured (and sadly, the numbers are trending negative in younger generations). When that is the case, identity and attachments are stunted. Information, social media, online communities, books, TV, movies, or music are no substitute for the deep relational connections we each lack. People’s feelings will get hurt; they will occasionally get offended. Whichever side you’re on, things go wrong—even in the most solid family settings.
In various forms, this kind of stuff happens to everybody once in a while. Circumstances pile up, fear creeps in, emotions boil over. We snap. The intensity of the problem within the family becomes greater than the dynamics of grace. The castle crumbles. Once it does, you and I go temporarily grace-blind—we can’t see others in the same grace-based way we would like (or at least know we should). But there is a better way. Not surprisingly it is God’s. By intentionally implementing The 4 Rs of Relational, Grace-based Attachment you and your family can learn to live joyfully ever after.
Read more of the story in my upcoming blog or look for a copy of my latest book, Beyond Becoming: A Field Guide to Sustainable, Transformational Community.